When some people run, they are graceful and lithe, slicing through the air effortlessly. I am nothing of the kind. My form is awkward and disjointed. My arms flail through the air with my hands in fists, punching the wind as it fights with me to push me back. I am a bull in a china shop, for better or worse.
I started running about the same time I first started dating, and honestly I’m not sure which one I’m worse at, but I know that the lack of grace I exhibit in running is omnipresent in my life, especially in dating. It turns out though, that girls do not like bluntness and tactlessness. Or responses crafted after a night of binge drinking. Here are examples of all three:
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Things were going pretty good with this girl. She had sent me about 5 messages back and forth. The last message she sent was around Christmas, when she asked me how my Christmas was. I responded:
“My Christmas was great! My mom's really picky with her gifts - she has basically never liked anything I've given her. This year, I got her a reusable fabric grocery bag from Michael's Arts and Crafts and I colored "World's Best Mom" on it. She REALLY liked it. It looked like a grade schooler did it but whatever.
I was debating writing "Proud Parent of a 3rd grade coloring contest winner" or "My Child Loves me More Than Yours Does and This Bag Proves It!" which are both factually true, but my mom doesn't appreciate my humor.”
No answer after that.
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This girl had a pretty funny profile. Her self-summary was the following:
I'm a terrible person. I lie and cheat and steal. I drink. I smoke. I am petty and spiteful. According to okcupid, I enjoy promiscuous sex with robots and scientists. I dislike old men and checklists.
She also listed that she was really good at masking her disgust. The perfect woman for me! I sent her a message:
Masking disgust
Dec. 25, 2010 – 10:02am
Is pretty much the number one quality I look for. It's kind of a necessity for dating me.
What kind of robots are you into? It seems like girls these days only want robots parading around in expensive metals. Compensating for something if you ask me...
No answer after that.
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This girl messaged me and told me she thought I would be a good penpal. My reply:
You seem penpal worthy...
Dec. 26, 2010 – 10:06pm
But I've heard that women on this site lie all the time about their age, job, or even post pics of them when they were younger to try and lure nice, innocent penpals like myself. How can I be sure you're not really some haggard old woman whose keyboard is covered in cheetos and cats?
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I would love to share some date stories with you, my loyal readers. Unfortunately, I have gone on zero dates so far. Better luck next week, I think!
LOL. Funny stuff. All of your responses were on point in my opinion. But what do I know. All the girls I meet are as a result of dancing on a couch at a club in Vegas.
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