More on Dating Pictures

OK Cupid has a pretty neat feature where you can have users vote on your best profile photo by taking each of your pics individually and comparing them side by side to another random profile pic, then telling you which of your photos won the most comparisons. It's pretty cool in that you can see what pic you were compared to, become enraged at who you lost to, and spend hours cursing at Tazzis13, a 56 year old woman from Yukon, Ohio wearing a 70's style visor who decided that a picture of a storm trooper fighting a fat dude with a light saber and flip flops is more attractive than you in your prime. (see my results)

The picture that OK Cupid told me was my best photo was the one in which I am wearing an apron and basketball shorts. My face, which OK Cupid users have informed me is repulsive to women, is not shown at all. Granted, the apron is 100% cotton and sports a lovely Home Depot logo, but it makes me feel as if I wasted my time trying on $200 designer mannequin outfits.

"Hey! Based on the back 1/3 of your head, you might be okay-looking!"

I decided that to make up for my lack of popularity with my pics, I was just going to write the most charming captions ever for my pics. These captions would be so moving that it would melt the hearts of women and force them to go out on dates with me despite their aversion to my physical appearance. After reading a statistical analysis of the most successful traits of dating pics, I opted to add some more pics as well.

The first one I chose was a pic I took while I was working as a volunteer for Habitat for Humanity. I have never really known what women like, but at this period of my life I was somehow convinced that orange tinted hair would make me an international sex symbol. I think I was really into the idea of pheromones too. So basically, I was a moron in every way imaginable.

Now, I was faced with the task of writing the world's greatest caption, something that could explain to women why they would be making the greatest mistake of modern history by passing on this eligible young bachelor.

I settled on the following:

We are professsional volunteer construction workers. Wait, how do you work this "hammer" thing?

It's funny because it's true.

The next picture I selected was of me during my time as a volunteer fire fighter. Many people don't believe that I used to be a fire fighter based on my lack of muscle, slow speed, complete absence of situational awareness, horrible directional sense, etc. Well, it just so happens that having been a terrible fire fighter for the above reasons still counts as having been a fire fighter. Thanks, AmeriCorps NCCC for your low standards and expectations!

The section of the fire that I was deployed on in this pic was really small. I probably could have gone to a drinking fountain, filled up a dixie cup every few minutes, and drank half of it and dumped the rest on the fire and I would have been fine. (And well hydrated!) I decided to add a little subtle drama to my caption though, to embellish a bit and make my photo more exciting:

"Well, we have time to take a pictu...OH SHIT THE FIRE'S RIGHT BEHIND US!!!"

With my poetic captions, I'm pretty confident that these new pictures will be the honey I need to attract some sexy bees. Now if you'll excuse me, it's almost time for my pheromone bath.